Friday, 22 February 2013

winter blues

The last day of half term. And the only day I haven't been at work or trudging through a never-ending spiral of Scandinavian designed furniture convinced if I just get the right combination of shelving, low lights and soft furnishings then I too can be as successful and cool as Birgitte Nyborg.
Normally Friday is writing day. Two weeks ago it was a work conference day, last week it was sleeping-puppy-on-my-knee day (he was recovering from a certain delicate operation and was the epitome of tired pathetic neediness). Today it has been baking and High School Musical marathon day. I was supposed to be writing during the HSM marathon but between online grocery shopping, searching for affordable tap shoes and jazz pants (9yo not me. Natch.) and intervening in yet another tussle between 9yo and pup, her annoying little brother with extra sharp teeth, I am almost ready to admit that life has beaten me. Again. And once again I think that I just don't deserve success, I don't work hard enough for it.
I spend a lot of time telling 9yo to just be herself, to be the best she can be, not to worry about other people. I wish I could take her advice. Funny how you never seem to measure up isn't it?
Lots of people have jobs, lots of them have children and a good proportion have both and yet, that nasty insidious voice keeps telling me, they are still writing every day, 1k 1 hours, rewrites, edits, first drafts flowing, while I stumble between work, activities (hers, natch) and chores, my brain a constant tired fog. And their hard work is beginning to pay off, more and more names I know, alumni of NV 1 and 2, SYTYCW, RNA new writers are selling. Brilliantly and deservedly so. But not me. Not yet. And if life carries on at this pace I worry it will never happen.
Of course I know what to do. I need to ignore what other people are doing and just plod on. Spring is coming and with it the opportunity to sit out in the car and write during the activities, more energy thanks to actual daylight, and the renewed hope spring always brings. I just need to keep going. And believe that one day it will be my turn. One day...

2 comments:

Morton S Gray said...

I know exactly what you mean. I keep asking myself what I am playing at, but then I think maybe I still need to practice a bit more and it is not quite my time yet. Underneath it all I still believe it will happen one day. Hugs. Mx

Charlotte Phillips said...

It will happen. There will always be other priorities sucking your time. Just keep going, even if it's minutes a day and don't beat yourself up. X